Appeal?

"You cannot change and stay the same" I agree. Here's to changing completely. Time to focus on God ( firstly), myself ( secondly) and my schoolwork ( floating around second and third). I just know GOD is staying first.




Yep, new priorities. ^_^ !!! <3

http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wHERIqx/

I have two major goals, aside from Law School and they are weight loss and financial well-being, which is why I have fit day and mint.com accounts. Mazel to me!

There is so much to do and good lord I am so tired.

abuse and healing

I just realized the effect of the abuse my ex boyfriend had on me. I honestly feel like I lost so much of myself in the relationship. I gave so much and masked so much of my distain for him underneath smiles that I forgot who I really am. So I am trying to piece back the puzzle.

What I like:
Techno Music, Electronica , Rock,Bossa Nova and sometimes I like rap and R&B. Music I cannot stand the sound of: whiny rock bands and The Beach Boys...
To read, a lot. I love to read and I usually read stories for hours and hours with no problem.
To write.
I like to go sigh seeing, driving, losing weight lol, dining out and a bunch of other things that I stopped doing when I was dating Pudding. It was such a horrible relationship and I was so much better than he is worthy of. I wish I knew that before I started to consider him. No more low self-esteem moments for me. I am cutting people out and not dealing with this shit anymore!

So I am on the road of healing and recovery in more ways than just one.
And it will be a hard but worthy road. I am aping my study time from 2 to 4 hours 6 days a week. I literally have no excuse to do less than that to be honest. So yea... I am going back to me. My focus is on being the best me, mentally, physically and emotional, intellectually that I can possibly be. Period. Everything else is being let go.

My own vanity accompanied by boredom lead to this...

Basic Info....
[Marital Status] Single and almost ready to mingle.
[Height] 170 cm, 5'7 ish 8 ish..

Favorites:
[Color]pink,purple and grey. I like all colors really but pink the most.
[Number] 7
[Animal] Lions and horses
[Drink] Shirley temples.


Do you.....
[Color your hair?] yes, it's not even close to its real color right now.
[Twirl your hair?] No.
[Have tattoos?] No but I really want one, however, my religion doesn't allow it and I am indecisive.
[Have Piercings?] yes, many.
[Cheat on tests/homework?] Never
[Drink/Smoke?] Yes and yes.
[Like roller coasters?] Not really.
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] Only back in Manhattan.
[Like cleaning?] No. I'd much rather hire a maid, just saying. I like it clean but I don't like doing it.
[Know how to drive?] Very much.

Have you ever...
[Been in a fist fight?] Yes.
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] Yes and I'd do it again if I had the chance.
[Stolen anything?] No
[Held a gun?]yes, I own one.
[Drank?] yes
[Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name?] No, that sounds scary not fun.

When/What Comes to Mind When You Hear . . .
x\\ car: Benz
x\\ cape: SJP SIC season 3
x\\ penis: Condom?
x\\ cell: phone
x\\ shoe: sale!!!
x\\ fun: Barnes and Noble or shopping
x\\ crush: Sexy guys
x\\ music: Nadia Ali, Madonna, Lady GaGa and folks like her.
x\\ chalk: Elementary.

Growing up

I've learned that I have to live a life outside of my parents lives. It's hard but I must. I did horrible on the practice LSAT, I mean it didn't completely suck but it was 10 points lower than my diagnostic exam. I think a huge issue was that I wasn't studying prior AND I forgot to finish a section so I was left to guess. I need to improve my time tremendously. I'm just stressed and tired.

Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge, I'm trying not to lose my head

The pressure of the exam is on and I am feeling it. I understand the importance and while I have ample time to study I've set myself with superior goals to meet. Yes, high as *bleep*goals.

It just occured to me that I cannot afford to wake up late in the day and stay up all evening. I must-as painful as it intially is- get up early in the morning and get my day started. Seriously, I am so stressed I cannot even eat. I know I'm hungry but I canot even eat. I am so worried about my score! I'm obessesing! I knew this crazy shit would happen. Thank God I know how to dye my own hair-nothing other than dyeing and ponytails- or I'd look 100 years old right now! Damn. Last time I ate it was 1 p.m. that's almost five hours ago and I am hungry but I cannot eat. I need to food though. I think I'm going to get some salmon or blueberries and deal with it. Speaking of food the time has come for me to pack my lunch. I hate doing it(I alwyas forget my food) but I have too. Anyway, that's all for my rant. I feel better and now I am off to get sushi and study with my friend who's great at the exam and he never even studied it. Fuck him.

TEST DAY

I should be studying so much more than I am. I have to basically cut off alot of my social life and isolate myself in study. It's making things difficult but it's all I can do. The most important time of my life is upon me and everyone else wants to hang out. I miss my friends and I want to have fun but I am so frustrated. I have to study. I have books to read and shit to do. Why can't anyone understand that? Grrrr.

I'm about to be real fucked up. Like no joke. I have to focus on my own shit or I won't be any fun.

On another note, I've made up my mind about stuff:
1)Keeping my hair dark. I am thinking of making it some shade of reddish brown or something that stands out but for now it's black and I like that way.

2) The detox changed the way I eat and look. It still works after your off it. I've been eating healthy and less than usual. My only thing is learning how to eat when dealing with the men in my life. They eat every-fucking-thing. Everything. And don't gain a damn thing. I cannot eat like that. I know I can't. I'm adjusting.

3)STUDYING AND WORK take priority. I have to be a bit of an anti-social bitch but whatever, bring it on!



a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/">

energy

I did my 48hr Quick Trim detox and it really worked! Sure I'm still chubby but my stomach has gone down, my double chin is gone, my thighs are smaller and my arms are thinner. I am excited. Also, teh two days of eating like that really changed my mind on how I was eating before and I've gotten better. Yesterday I ate egg whites for breakfast, veggie sushi and miso for lunch( it was totally unsatisfiying though), ritas for dessert- the guy put on too much gelato so I scooped some of, which would never do normally. And for dinner a hella lot of veggies, 4 oz. grilled chicken breast and grilled cheese. It was fabulous. Today all I ate was a snack lunch but I have a lot of energy. I'm feeling good about this. Anyway, back to work! Peace.

P.S. Vitamin B is the best. Take it before you do anything and you will be so energic in an hour. Of course you'll need a hump-time boost(depends on how early you get up but typically around 3 ish).

Rate my Professors

For some it's the beginning of summer but for me it's the countdown to senior year in college. So I've been making schedules for work and study, as well as looking online for professor ratings. Rate my Professors.com is to invoke fear into the hearts of students I swear! But what I read before was good enough for me. My algebra professor from freshman year was a witch and "r.m.p" told me that.But my English professor from freshman year was rumored to be a huge bitch but she was amazing. needless to say, I am terrified.

What I've learned thus far,
My ECON profess:
Likes to talk about his life experiences more than textbook work. I personally don’t see this as a huge issue, so long as he actually tests on things in the book and not from his lectures-unless he covers important things in his lectures.
Picks at your grammar. I am not an expert grammatically but I have friends who are. I can fix that. I can read about it. I can learn it. At first I thought,” Well, I was raised with British grammar, which is far more advanced. Therefore, I am right and you are wrong.” But I soon dropped that act once I received an D on a test.
You have no idea what is needed on the test. So basically I am going to keep track of everything I possibly can, bother the hell out of this man during his office hours and use more index cards then all of BigShot University combined.
He knows a lot about East Asian Economics. Being that I have an interest in International and Comparative law, as well as International Economics < so much more interesting than traditional economics.

Art Professor: I REALLY LOVE ART, so I am hoping this person won’t make it suck.
I know nothing about this person except we have the same name. Which basically means she’s a perfectionist with high standards, mood-swings but she’s very understanding.

ConLaw:
Is entertaining and very engaging.
You must come to class and do the readings to pass.
Good shot an a “A” .
All tests are essays, so briefing is to be applied.

PoliLaw Profess:
Debate skills will be tested. Despite my previous employers ear-beating I’m not a total shitty debater.
Very informative. Fun. Easy to remember because it’s fun.
*This is an actual law class, so it should be treated as such.

LatPoli:
Speaks fast. So taking notes with a laptop is preferred to writing them out unless it’s shorthand. I actually prefer pen and paper (low tech rules)but we’ll see.
Very knowledgeable about this subject.
You must come to lectures. You have to attend the lectures, ever lecture.
Essay exams- like all my other classes- which come back with notes.

So that’s my list. I’m really happy with my major because it fits me so well. I had to trample through my Chemistry bio-chemistry neuroscience major, be totally bored through Mass Communications < really I felt hindered. I like it but it just didn’t fit my personality. Totally ignore Business, when it comes down to it I have no interest in working in finance. To get to Politics and Philosophy. I am incredibly/naturally good at this. Sure it still requires work from me but I am still very good at it. I really enjoy it. I enjoy reading my workbooks, textbooks and researching. I never felt this way with any other major and I am glad I finally got my shit together.

So I’m going back to create a schedule and study for my exams. And you know what, I am looking forward to next semester when I will study like a crazy person and survive mostly on spicy tuna rolls and energy drinks(more like vitamin B supplements and Jasmine green tea) but still.

Goals and To-buy’s:
Goal in bed by 10 p.m. I am not spring chicken and I need the sleep.
Large ass bags of rice from the Chinese super store. I am part Chinese(Korean) but so Asian in my food choices. It’s the bulk of what I eat. So it is my goal to limit dining out to special occasions only and cook at home. Not only will the save money but I need to watch my weight and cooking at home makes it easy.
Brand new cell phone with newer plan, maybe. I need a new cellphone but I am not financially there to get a iphone and unlike other college kids I pay my own expenses. So I’m going to get a phone that has cool apps like google and stuff but price is a huge factor.
Apple laptop. Doesn’t need to be fancy but it must be from Apple. My goal is to by it from the Apple store , since I have a discount but if I need to I will purchase one from the internet! Yes, my dedication runs that deep.
Sweats for finals week. The only time I wear them.
Professional looking clothing for school. I am not buying any new clothes right not because:
1. My old clothes still fit, unfortunately.
2. I’m on a lifestyle changing workout/diet plan, which means I will be a lot smaller come the school year.
3. The above two.
Bedding for my bedroom and paint for the walls. The day before I move into my new place I am going to paint the walls. I’ve decided to have the main color of my room be either a heather grey( a favorite color of mine) or a neutral sand with splashes of lavender and hot pink. I feel like it’s relaxing but grown-up and that’s what I need.
Digital Camera , so I can have a blog worth bloglovin.

There are pretty big financial commitments but I can hopefully have them all fulfilled by September. On a different note, I have all the lights on in the house where I am studying because I have seasonal depression and the cure it light.That's a huge part of the reason I'm sticking to a light bedroom. Darkness truly drains me and makes me miserable, unless it's natural night time. I get sad mid-day when it's not dark yet but it's not light either,however, I feel a lot of it is stress from not getting work done, which is why I am going to switch gears. There's lots to be done but that's okay.I keep telling myself, remember you prayed for this.

So I'm off to study. I'll post photos after the jump... speaking of photos I'm adding a new digi cam to my list of buys.

I realize that in order to succeed I must alienate myself from people, especially my friends. The majority of my friends are either huge gaps younger or huge gaps older and they have no idea the amount of stress I'm going through. I keep thinking when can I relax and the answer is in the next 7 years or so...maybe. I hate being such a flaky bitch but I have no time for anyone. And I wanted a relationship*face palm*.

I'm 2days into my detox and I actually feel great. Quick Trim has amazing tasting products and they work!

Ah, back to blog reading and then studying while the noisy kids are asleep. I must get back on my regular sleep schedule tonight. Sleeping half the day away is NOT going to help me.

Goals

Done. Finto. Finished.

Today I made some decisions:
1)Model,yes really.
2) Distribute less empathy to people who I would previously be totally sympathetic to. I realized that some people are incredibly naive and passive, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. The only thing you can do it hope that will change for themselves. So I've been keeping that in my mind, especially dealing with M and D. M is too damn passive and her passiveness upsets me. She just accepts any and all of the drama D gives as inevitable and I hate it. I am getting sick of hearing we complain about how this time is the last time she's taking his shit. Whatever. The last time was years ago... I am just over the drama. D and I are still D and I. We barely get along. Everything feels forced, like my guard is constantly up when he's around in every situation from weddings to funerals. I just don't trust him. I just...can't. After years of trying to establish trust and being taken advantage of I just gave up on it. I accept it for what it is but unlike M, I don't stand for that shit.As far as D is concerned my pockets are empty and I have no idea what he's talking about.
3) I am NOT getting married. I am almost positive and allow me to explain. The closet guy to my type is my best guy friend. Seriously, he wears,reads and eats everything my dream would wear, read and eat! How fucked up is that? That's major fucked. Why? Because we are not going to be a couple. He only sees me as a friend and I see him a friend. The chemistry is there and it's obvious but still. There's shit he does I wouldn't stand for in a relationship: buying shit. Um, hello. I have yet to see him buy shit for a girl on a date. Then again, I don't care unless I am that girl and he's paying for me to be real. But I barely see that happening and I know my weight has something to do with it. He likes fit girls and I, a formerly fit chick, I understand that. I don't like fat guys, so I cannot expect any exceptions; what you get is what you reflect. I'm working out for my own benefit because am sick of being fat myself. I'm NOT huge, I wear a medium and sometimes I small but I do need a large and even a extra large sometimes. And that much change for my own benefit. Regardless of my best guy friend. Besides, I should slim down and he should bulk up. The sort of girl he
s into is me from what she's wear, eat and do. So its all quite comical. Aside from the superfical, we're perfect for each other but it won't happen. Whatever. I am not even looking anymore. Fuck everyone.

Okay, well goodnight.

Back at it

I have to constantly remind myself that I am not the same person I was before. I am strong and in control. I keep telling myself that: "You are strong and in control." I repeat it over to myself at times when I feel like I cannot go on. I have to pinch myself in reminder that it is June. There's only 2 months left until I am back at school for my final year! I am so excited and so afraid. There is so much to do with both my curricular activities and extra curricular activities. But I am glad. It will take planning but I know that once that's done I will be good. One of my favorite blogs for inspiration ( jade empress) has gone invite only and I've been let without invitation,so I've been finding other inspiration elsewhere. Still it has been difficult, I quite enjoyed her blog since it was both academic and personal. I felt like I related in such a major way.

I've been studying MCATLSATGREGMAT, not that it's easy at my house because it isn't. I need quiet and my family is loud . I blame myself though. I know they're loud. It's up to me to find another place for study-time solace. So I think I'm going to devise some plans today and get on a major study grind.

I realize that my blog needs fotos in the worse way. So my goal of the upcoming month is to get a camera and take photos. But I have so much to overcome, namely my E.D. . Living at home takes a toll on me, so I have to be extra strong not to binge and purge- mostly binge. I gained dam near 15 lbs at last month but I lost somewhere between 5 &8. I now this because my fat pants have started to fit loose again. I am so glad. PLus, after going out with my friend Lioness, last weekend I realizes how important physical health truly is. The competition is stiff out there! So with my physical and academic selves in mind I've been developing plans to get on my grind. The coming semester means that I am in the spotlight and no one wants to be in the spotlight feeling like crap.

That's all for now<3 There will be more tonight.

I should really promote this thing.
_______________________________________________> Don't use this against me in the future<__________________________________



AND





P.S. Totally f-ed up my manicure and broke the strap on my Coach purse. Pissed off!

What you waiting for?

I finally went(in) on a date with the guy I was scoping and while I like him, I don't want to be in a relationship really. I have so much to do that it's just not a thing I'm willing to take on. Especially with someone who cannot provide for me. I just don't want to be bothered. So that's that. And being that I am a penny pinching college student who really needs to study and buy things, I am trying to figure out how to go about things. I have ALOT to take care of, more than my family is used to. So I have to say no or keep mum about things. I wish I didn't have to but what needs to be done must be done. I have to look out for myself.

Ok, I'm off to go make a plan of action and study :-) <3 I had Saturday off from Studying- although it wasn't intentional. I cannot have to today off as well.

Shavuot; Dating; Separdim ; Materialism.

So today is Shavuot, which technically started yesterday night and means that I cannot use electronically,however, I am not that religious. Plus, my friend and I caught a bus home last night out of fear that we'd be robbed and raped. I feel good every time I celebrate a Jewish holiday because it is my culture and religion. I face a ton of opposition in my parents house for celebrating Jewish holidays, you see, My father is traceable Jew. He's family is a mixture of Polish and English actually my father dropped a bomb, he's English(formerly Anglo-Franco and Italiano) and Swedish Jews who either became Anglicans in England, Baptist in the South or remained Jews. Also, African(Egyptian)Jews who are mixed with Egyptian, Iraqi, Khaleeji and Ethiopian. My father grew up confused and spoiled. But when he took a turn for the worse as a twenty-something he turned his back on Judaism and now identifies with being Christian. I still refer to my father as Jewish because:
1) According to the law, one cannot convert out of Judaism for another monotheistic religion, however, if one becomes - let's say a Hindu like my maternal Grandmother did- that's a different story.
2) Christianity is not that different to me. To me it's the same-thing unless you're Catholic but Protestantism is a "watered down" variation of Judaism. So it's the same. Besides Jesus Christ never said to : create a new religion, invent new holidays and discard the old ones, to do away with Judaism and to forget the law. If anything Jesus Christ said; " I didn't come to end the law, I came to full-fill the law." Furthermore, Jesus was Jewish. Enough Said.

Nevertheless, my father has a love/hate relationship with religion. He was raised in a religious household, so it's only natural for him to rebel by having dislike for his faith. Also, he is incredibly controlling and Judaism is not a religion you can control. No offense to other religions but you can just stick something on it and call it Jewish the way you can almost everything else. It just doesn't work that way. I believe that is his problem after being raised to controlled he refuses to be controlled by anything. I respect him, because the Torah says I must, however, I do not agree.

Anyway, Shavuot is the "technical" passover when Moses received Torah Sinai. So most people stay up all night studying Torah. I am not one of those people lol! I will not be falling asleep in my Torah and embarrassing myself. So I'm going to bed. It's mainly an Ashkenazim tradition(meaning they follow it more) but I'm a proud Sephardi and we don't do that so much. I didn't go into this expecting to become Orthodox but that's what's happening. Well...I am more Post-Modern Conservadox(truthfully the closet I am to Orthodox is my observance of Niddah and Shabbat)and I like it that way. I couldn't be Reform because I need structure but I couldn't be totally Orthodox either becauseI need freedom. So I follow what I can/will. The only issue is dating. When you go to Orthodox things you will either meet Orthodox men, who are incredibly religious OR pretenders who just want to control you. And on the other end it's the other way. There are intense extremes on both ends. It's hard to get through the bullshit, trust me. But I've gotten better. After my latest faux relationship(I refuse to call the hell I went through with Pudding a relationship) I came to realize that I DON'T want to marry a straight up and down Ashkenazim. I just cannot. He must be at least half something else, proud of it, speak different languages and be classy and cultural. is was to marry Jewish, but now I find myself not carrying so much. My mother says Jewish or Christian,in that order,but I don't think I could marry a Christian being so involved in Judaism and so uninvolved in Christianity. But I couldn't marry a Jew who hated Christians either because I think it's ridiculous and I love Jesus, I mean he was a Jewish scholar for crying out loud! I honestly would love to marry someone who comes from a interracial/inter-religious household. I crave diversity! Hmm...we'll see. Thus far, I've one met four prospects who couldn't be more different: One is Persian but totally weird, I feel no spark. Another is Greek and wants to have sex with me badly but that-I fear is all, it's hard being a:"hot minority woman", Another is Latino and Israeli, I like him but we'll see. I don't like games and he seems to like playing them. Another is Indian but he prefers White girls and has bad teeth... damn. Maybe I should just get a cat?

I have a certain criteria for a husband that is rumored to be materialistic. And that makes it hard for me to be understanding of mens positions. I cannot and will not take care of a grown man, never. I must have a man who provides( spoiled...lives to make me hapy...etc) They are out there and that's what I want. I cannot be the wife who lives to make her husband spoiled if he doesn't do the same for me. Period. I love spoiling my man. I am incredibly giving and affectionate but I cannot be the only one. There is nothing like giving a man your everything only to get a hard-time and no appreciation in return. I've been through that shit enough and if all that's out there in the world is that; I will gladly spend my life alone spending my lawyer bucks on myself and my cats. Word? Peace <3


Besides, everyone who knows me knows that I likes that nice(Note:EXPENSIVE) shit. Everyone knows that. I am a Princess and blah-blah-blah. If you ain't a Prince and you cannot hang, don't step up! It's that easy. If you cannot play ball, why join the game? Sit your booty in the crowd like everyone else who cannot play. I am so tired of worthless piecesofshit deciding they are worthy of any woman they want simply because they have a pulse. Get-over-yourself and GET A DAMN JOB.

updatessssss NO I HAVEN'T CHANGED. But people are wondering what my validity is to this statement. I mean, how can I claim to be of such substance when I require men have more than just good personality. Let me explain: I demand personality, character and integrity. I crave these things as well, however, I crave them from a financially secure background. A man of real integrity would not accept a woman paying for things. He would not be so comfortable that he expects her to pay and still look at him as a men( leader, provider) alpha male) it is IMPOSSIBLE. Yes, there are some women who run the household - and how like doing it. But I am NOT that woman and I make no apologies for not being her either. It is expensive just being me, therefore it is naturally expensive dating me. I've always been the Veronica and never the Betty, I've always been the girl who knows quality. My body literally rejects trash food. I have been courting myself for years and I refuse to allow someone to tell me : " I don't need it, I just want it." No, I know myself and I know what I want and need. So I make no apologies for requiring more from a man. There are plenty of women who do not require as much and who would love to be with such fellas,but I am not one of those ladies. For me a man must be a gentleman in every sense of the word. Period.

Things I've learned...

You must make a plan before you act. In the words of my friend Brian

The countdown continues!

I am selling away all my free time for one of these things. Guess.

My issue

So I have an ED ( eating disorder) well I have two, bulimia and binge-eating disorder. Yes, it sucks as much as you think it does. Here is the skinny on what's big in my life. I saw this from a friends xanga and I totally understand where she's coming from so I only changed what was necessary to add. I figured I should post this, so my future entries make more sense.

My issues:
-I. Love. Food. I love food so much, I love eating, I love going out to eat, I love fast food, I love potatoes and meat and french fries and candy.
-I eat emotionally.
-I fear hunger. Literally fear it. The thought of hunger stresses me out. I have to know where my next meal is coming from.
-I'm not exercise's biggest fan. I know I'm overweight, and I know i need to fix it.
My aba is a huge contributing factor as to why I have an ED and he is of no help.
I'm currently in treatment.

Why now:
-I'm graduating from college next year. I'll be starting a new chapter in my life and I want to start it looking good.
-I'm sick of clothes not fitting.And not being able to wear what I want.
-I want to be the hot version of myself. I feel caught in limbo between sexy and cute. I'm already pretty (and I'm glad) but I want to be hot.

What I do love and want to keep:
I have amazing boobs and a great ass. I luckily have a small bone structure so even though I weigh 20-60lbs over what people think I weigh
I still look small.

Why Post this:
Because I am in recovery and the first step is admitting you have a problem.